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Welcome to My Journal!

Much of the old content is friends only, and I may later make my more recent entries friends only. I'd love to read what you have to say, so if you would like to read me, leave a comment here!

(Special Note: I've made drastic changes to the layout, emoticons and title of the journal to reflect my recent attitude change and to remind me to stay positive! Much of the older stuff is friends only for a reason!)

I post about mundane things. I post about spiritual things. I post about raising my daughter, and boyfriends, and family... I write through the issues I have so I can get through normal life and feel that perhaps someone out there, a thousand miles away, at least hears me. Sometimes, oftentimes, that is all I need when I am crying out.

I need to hear, I hear you. If you are like me in any way (see my profile for my interests, etc.), feel free to add me, but leave a message on here if you would like to see my friends only stuff- some is just too good to share with the world sometimes, and I have a habit of retroactively friending entries.

Right now I want more readers and writers though. :)

Flying Solo

Sometimes I look at old journal entries, facebook posts, etc... and think, WTF was I thinking?? But the music I put to it was so damned good... Still though, especially now that I know how abusive the majority of these guys were, and how fucking important my daughter is, I don't understand why I poured so much energy into them. I feel so much happier now.
Well I do know. I didn't have a sense of self. I was ALONE. I was afraid of that. I didn't think I could make it on my own.
Now I am making it on my own, I have a sense of self (just a sense, not a clear picture, lol! Okay I do have a pretty clear picture but hey.), I am not alone when I'm single (Just flying solo, with lots of friends to back me up), and I am done being afraid. I know I'll make it through A- OK.

It's funny how kids make you grow. When you have a child, they're not the only ones being raised. In their own way, they raise their parents. You have to grow up, to get a well behaved child. You have to set a good example if you don't want to be a hypocrite. Most of all, you have to learn to prioritize, focus on what's really important, and if you're particularly clever, deal with your damn neurosis and psychological issues so you can actually focus on enjoying every moment you have with your children, because they really do grow up so fast. I have no intent on spending the next 13 years ignoring my child so I can go chasing after guys. I'll have plenty of time to do so after of that. right now, I'm trying to do a marginally satisfactory job raising my child.

anyway, on Thanksgiving I was really having a hard time focusing on being happy with being around my family, instead I kept thinking about a far away time when Ehren had met my family and been there. I don't know why but being there for that holiday brought up a lot of nostalgia in me. Forced a smile pretty much the entire time, until at dinner Anabelle said "Mommy, I wish you would get married." I didn't know what to say, so I told her to eat her food. Right in front of my dad, Aunt and Uncle, my cousin and his wife. Not one of us could think of a good response.
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My Life Now

There are two things I haven't given up- hope and cigarettes. They've both had their own role in getting me through and (sometimes) I've hoped for the wrong things. I don't regret a minute though.
I don't drink anymore. That surprises a lot of people. The drugs, I think, they could believe, although they'ed still try to push them on me. Actually my dad and I both refused to drink on Thanksgiving, and we hadn't discussed it before hand.
There are times when I really want to drink or SI, but generally I just sing or chant. It works better.

Depression, by and large, I have conquered. My anxiety I have learned to keep under control, but that's more like the Cold War as opposed to the surrender of Japan at the end of WWII. The doctor has taken me off the antidepressant and I still take my anti-anxiety "as needed for insomnia". Generally it's not needed.

People say I look a lot better now. Everywhere I go, people who haven't seen me, remark on it, even if they don't know what my situation is. And now that I'm able to brag about this new job (even if I am doing constant shoutouts for pet sitters, child sitters, and a ride to BFE to get them back), it makes conversations a lot easier. A lot more people are a lot more eager to help because they can see I've got it together. That's the going hypothesis, anyway.

I just have to bring the people that I love together under one roof, the people that I am responsible for, the people I fight for. I'm committed this time. I've never been committed to anything before, not really. Never fully. If I can just do that, I can die happy.
Of course, I don't plan on dying, but hey.

I had said that by January things would work out, and well, they're fucking working out. Now the world had better not end, I deserve to savor this fucking victory.



And this song, well, it's fucking crazy. And it's so me.

Tags:

Losing Myself Again

Don't you hate it when your life gets so complicated that you just stop talking about it, because you're just tired of explaining... and being judged.
And anyway there's nothing anyone can do to help anymore.
And when you really need someone to talk to, you really can't. Because you'd have to explain all the things you never said, because to some of those people you've hid major parts of your life...
You can't tell them anymore. And there's just no one to ask for comfort.
I need someone to have my back, someone to center me when I'm off kilter. But more and more the few people that are supposed to do that, are the ones knocking me off kilter.

I just wanted people around that I could enjoy, I was tired of dragging them into shit. But what I really need right now is someone to call me every week or so and ask me how I'm doing. Motivate me. Tell me I can do it. Tell me what I can do better, when I need to hear it. Remind me things I forget. Like my self confidence and self worth.

Tags:

OHMYGOD I AM SO TIRED
But it's worth it. And it'll be worth it, come January, whether I fail or succeed, because I have awesome backup plans, and lots of them.

And, Khan Academy is THE BOMB.

"Helena Beat"

Sometimes life it takes you by the hand.
It pulls you down before you know it
It’s gone and you’re dead again.
I’ve been in places and I won’t pretend
That I'd make it out just to fall on my head

Wake up strange and take the walk downstairs
Hit the pawn up on the corner and pay for my rent
You know that I could not believe my own truth
Just show them what I choose, got nothing to lose

Yeah yeah and it’s O.K.
I tie my hands up to a chair so I don’t fall that way.
Yeah yeah and I’m alright.
I took a sip of something poisoned but I’ll hold on tight.

You know those days when you want to just choose
To not get out of bed, you're lost in your head again.
You play the game but you kind of cut
’Cause you’re coming down hard and your joints are all stuck.
I tried to say that’s not the only way
I never knew if I could face myself to change.
You were pacing I was insecure.
Slip and fall, I'm dodging calls, hug the prison I've been living in.

Yeah yeah and it’s O.K.
I tie my hands up to a chair so I don’t fall that way.
Yeah yeah and I’m alright.
I took a sip of something poisoned but I’ll hold on tight.

I know what I want

I need to figure out how to accept love from strangers. How to find comfort in the hug from a friend. How to find strength in the lonely dark nights.

I know what I want. I know what I don't want.

I want to fit in somewhere. To settle down in a cozy home in the woods, just Anabelle and me, and keep the energy to continue with my career, and keep close friends. To become more than just a poor single mother but to be the happy single mother. The one who can take care of herself and her kin. I want a car that runs, the job of my dreams, and enough money to get buy and a little extra to have a little fun and to put away for a rainy day.

I want to learn how to receive enough comfort from friends and family. I know now that I fall into relationships because boyfriends are the only ones who can wrap their arms around me and make me feel safe. I need to figure out a way to get that without a boyfriend, because I don't want one; I haven't wanted one since I left Ehren. It hasn't changed.

I'll be glad enough when I no longer have to stay with the one that I'm with. I'll be glad when January comes if I get that job, or my college starts coming together so I can move out anyway. But I need to find the strength to do this [s]alone[/s] without a S/O. I find anyone who partakes in my joys of my daughter at once extremely desirable and repulsive. I do want a partner in this. It's scary, and the thought of only having one child is scary. I want someone else to love her as much as I do. But at the same time I don't want to share her, particularly with anyone who doesn't prove themselves first. And no one has. And honestly, I don't think anyone can love her as much as I do- be willing to sacrifice as much as I am for her.

Not to mention the fact that I have a beyond shitty taste in men, as some of my friends aren't shy in pointing out. I swear I home in on unstable, often abusive guys. Maybe because they're easy, they're fast. They're just as desperate and broken as I am. Well, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of guys that treat me like shit, or don't want commitment, or just want to pretend like they do and waste my time. I don't know how I've gotten into relationships with pretty much every guy I've been with and regret pretty much every single one.

And after all I've been through, I just want to stand up on my own two feet holding my child in my own home on the mountainside, and say goodbye to being dependent on men at all for a while.

I want to leave this place behind. So many bad things have happened here, and Southern California has come to mean stagnation to me. Every corner I go by some wretched thing has happened, I remember walking by this corner or in that building during some awful time. And I've never felt like Southern California was my home. Ever. I need to find my home. The only problem is I don't know how much traveling I'm going to have to do internally vs. externally to find that place.



I know, what I want. I just get frustrated with how long it's taking, especially because I'm not sure how to get there. I'm often afraid I'm traveling in the wrong direction.
I just love how, when certain friends of mine are stoned, they actually think I'm going to let them watch my daughter.


BAHAHAHAHA

In other news, I need to hang out with friends and get a break from the house (for a few hours, waiting for Angel to wake up to relieve me of my child-rearing duties, but she stayed up all night gaming with Brian... Gah.) I'll be following the main road away from town towards this place called Gavilan Hills. I wish I could leave now because it'll be cooling off to a hundred degrees today, and rather humid for out here.

Where I'm living now

Well, we found a way to move into a stable place, it's out in BFE but it's growing on me. The only thing that's not growing on me is the pigs; the llamas, sheep, donkeys and horse I got used to. It's bizzare but I actually enjoy the smell of horse manure. The flies, not so much. But at least the pigs keep snakes away, and the stray cats keep the mouse population down. Pigs sound like there's a crocosaurus in the other yard though. Pigs are supposed to go "oink" not ruuuuuh, ruh ruh ruuuuuuh. It sounds scary. I definitely wouldn't want to faint in their yard. I hate having to go through there at all, when I do have to. Course they're all on their last legs, they're very old pigs and look dead most of the time. Which is somewhat funny. That they're not dead but they look dead.

I do like riding my bike out here though, and I'm building up endurance and a need for speed. Went on a ride this morning. It's fun going fast down the hills, makes me feel accomplished when I make it up the hill to ride it down. 2 miles to the nearest bus stop though, which means heading out on my own with Anabelle rather difficult.More Good Stuff Since Moving InCollapse )

No Matter The Consequenses

A slightly passive aggressive public post, I'll admit...
But, was it because we got too close? We let it go too far? BAH, HUMBUG!
No it fucking wasn't, we couldn't agree where the fuck we were going and eventually ended up going two different directions, gwar. Now I have adopted the same fucking commitment issues, because I know just how desperate and manipulative I am to have some fucking stability in my life.



And the truth is, I'm still not fucking over him. At all. I want to be, but it wont fucking go away. I've dated multiple times, thrown guys away instantly, dating and living with a usually nice man who takes care of Anabelle and I, and I can't stop thinking about HIM.
It's maddening; I know part of it is because I'm not really happy in the relationship I am in and I'm staying in large part because I want the job he has lined up for me because my welfare is running out next year and this is the opportunity of a lifetime, and I'll lie, cheat and steal to get it.
I do love my current boyfriend, it's just that he gets so angry sometimes and it scares me thinking that it could progress to something like what happened with my ex fiance. And I don't really like how he treats my daughter sometimes.
But I do love him, and he has done and continued to do everything I have asked him to do to the best of his ability, and will continue to do so. I'm just not that optimistic about people anymore, I guess. And rightly so. People don't ever change that much. It's wrong to expect them to. But I know what I am trying to accomplish, and I'm taking every step necessary to get there. And in January... well, I'll see what happens.
I want Him out of my head. But avoiding him doesn't seem to be working. My hope is that, through friendship, I can get over this strongly lingering love for him, change it into a platonic kind of love.
Dear Reader: yes, my ex is back in contact with me. No, I'm not interested in getting back with him, even if it was ever on the table. I remember exactly why he's called my ex. I miss his friendship terribly, and I'm hoping that being friends will get me over it.



On another note, had a fun time giving the cable guy blue balls today.


Update: I'm also working on my relationship with my boyfriend; coming up with ways where he can get his adrenaline out because he has adhd and hasn't had a regular adrenaline fix in years, I realized this was one of the major roots of his mood problems, and I think that as we work on these things they'll get better. We'll see what happens come January, I've got a lot of things in the works for us.

Growing Pains

There isn't any word to describe, the amount of pain you feel when you realize your closest friends really don't care about you. The confusion... perhaps they're too hurt to be able to care about anyone, or anything... I get it.
But to realize, this is what I have. This is ALL I have. People who never call or visit, who wait for me, always to go four hours in transit to see them, or to spend gas money, to buy cigarettes, to pick them up and bring them to my house, to make that call, to come up with those plans...
There isn't a word, there just isn't a word, when you come to grips with the fact that you've been holding onto these people so desperately because they're ALL you have, and they're no longer good for you. And that you can't get them to care, because they have so much else going on- other people, bigger issues, than your piddly loneliness and lack of their company.

There isn't a way for me to describe how it feels that now that I've reinvented myself, I just don't have space for their lifestyles, thus, them, in my life. The person that I'm growing into doesn't allow for that. I feel like a refugee. Forcibly displaced. I'm becoming something like those straight edge folks, or a recovering drug addict, even though everyone agrees I've never been addicted. I can take one drink and be done. But I have to be around people that can do the same, that want to do the same.

And there isn't a way to deal with the fact that the friends I do have, that will go out of their way to see me, I don't really like. They're just as desperate as I am and twice as cocky, twice as full of their own wind and bluster... Bullshit. And the rest want to get in my pants, cross boundaries and things that I'm just too tired and pissed off to deal with.



I welcome the new woman I am becoming. The sober woman. The woman whose idea of a good time is being truly with her friends. The woman who is strong, who has a plan for how her life is going to be, and is currently working towards achieving that goal and making real and measurable progress. But I am so, fucking, lonely.

I thought I could include my old friends in my new life, but I'm starting to realize that right now, I can't. The scene left a bad taste in my mouth, the lifestyle has gotten stale for me. No matter how great the people are. I've got to have people my level or above, I don't have the energy to hold them up anymore, or to hold myself up around them.

I've been up since six thirty, and it's now midnight... I went to church and felt something in me that I have never felt before, never so strongly. Never so much in joy. Never so healthy, never so real until today. And when I had the realization, the slap in the face, a few hours later, the afternoon was filled with mourning just as strong as the mornings ecstasy.

It is nothing short of a miracle that I'm able to go to a church that accepts people of different religions and creeds every Sunday. And while I know I know I don't quite fit in there just yet, I know damned good and well it's where I want to be. It's taking me in the right direction. It just hurts so much to leave this behind when I have no friends by my side... everyone that really cares and I like lives way too far away. And a boyfriend, a partner, no matter how satisfying, will never sate my need for companionship by himself. Consolation and comfort during the sobbing, perhaps, but that's the extent of it.

Too upset to sleep. I already relapsed once yesterday... I'll be glad when I can finally get into the psychiatrist.

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