But to realize, this is what I have. This is ALL I have. People who never call or visit, who wait for me, always to go four hours in transit to see them, or to spend gas money, to buy cigarettes, to pick them up and bring them to my house, to make that call, to come up with those plans...
There isn't a word, there just isn't a word, when you come to grips with the fact that you've been holding onto these people so desperately because they're ALL you have, and they're no longer good for you. And that you can't get them to care, because they have so much else going on- other people, bigger issues, than your piddly loneliness and lack of their company.
There isn't a way for me to describe how it feels that now that I've reinvented myself, I just don't have space for their lifestyles, thus, them, in my life. The person that I'm growing into doesn't allow for that. I feel like a refugee. Forcibly displaced. I'm becoming something like those straight edge folks, or a recovering drug addict, even though everyone agrees I've never been addicted. I can take one drink and be done. But I have to be around people that can do the same, that want to do the same.
And there isn't a way to deal with the fact that the friends I do have, that will go out of their way to see me, I don't really like. They're just as desperate as I am and twice as cocky, twice as full of their own wind and bluster... Bullshit. And the rest want to get in my pants, cross boundaries and things that I'm just too tired and pissed off to deal with.
I welcome the new woman I am becoming. The sober woman. The woman whose idea of a good time is being truly with her friends. The woman who is strong, who has a plan for how her life is going to be, and is currently working towards achieving that goal and making real and measurable progress. But I am so, fucking, lonely.
I thought I could include my old friends in my new life, but I'm starting to realize that right now, I can't. The scene left a bad taste in my mouth, the lifestyle has gotten stale for me. No matter how great the people are. I've got to have people my level or above, I don't have the energy to hold them up anymore, or to hold myself up around them.
I've been up since six thirty, and it's now midnight... I went to church and felt something in me that I have never felt before, never so strongly. Never so much in joy. Never so healthy, never so real until today. And when I had the realization, the slap in the face, a few hours later, the afternoon was filled with mourning just as strong as the mornings ecstasy.
It is nothing short of a miracle that I'm able to go to a church that accepts people of different religions and creeds every Sunday. And while I know I know I don't quite fit in there just yet, I know damned good and well it's where I want to be. It's taking me in the right direction. It just hurts so much to leave this behind when I have no friends by my side... everyone that really cares and I like lives way too far away. And a boyfriend, a partner, no matter how satisfying, will never sate my need for companionship by himself. Consolation and comfort during the sobbing, perhaps, but that's the extent of it.
Too upset to sleep. I already relapsed once yesterday... I'll be glad when I can finally get into the psychiatrist.