Andrea (witchkatt) wrote,

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Flying Solo

Sometimes I look at old journal entries, facebook posts, etc... and think, WTF was I thinking?? But the music I put to it was so damned good... Still though, especially now that I know how abusive the majority of these guys were, and how fucking important my daughter is, I don't understand why I poured so much energy into them. I feel so much happier now.
Well I do know. I didn't have a sense of self. I was ALONE. I was afraid of that. I didn't think I could make it on my own.
Now I am making it on my own, I have a sense of self (just a sense, not a clear picture, lol! Okay I do have a pretty clear picture but hey.), I am not alone when I'm single (Just flying solo, with lots of friends to back me up), and I am done being afraid. I know I'll make it through A- OK.

It's funny how kids make you grow. When you have a child, they're not the only ones being raised. In their own way, they raise their parents. You have to grow up, to get a well behaved child. You have to set a good example if you don't want to be a hypocrite. Most of all, you have to learn to prioritize, focus on what's really important, and if you're particularly clever, deal with your damn neurosis and psychological issues so you can actually focus on enjoying every moment you have with your children, because they really do grow up so fast. I have no intent on spending the next 13 years ignoring my child so I can go chasing after guys. I'll have plenty of time to do so after of that. right now, I'm trying to do a marginally satisfactory job raising my child.

anyway, on Thanksgiving I was really having a hard time focusing on being happy with being around my family, instead I kept thinking about a far away time when Ehren had met my family and been there. I don't know why but being there for that holiday brought up a lot of nostalgia in me. Forced a smile pretty much the entire time, until at dinner Anabelle said "Mommy, I wish you would get married." I didn't know what to say, so I told her to eat her food. Right in front of my dad, Aunt and Uncle, my cousin and his wife. Not one of us could think of a good response.

Well, I talked to a woman I have a lot of respect for a few days later, and she always has the best advice. She said that she has just been taught that marriage is a good thing, that she cares about me and wants to see me happy. I asked her, but how do I explain it to her, why I'm not married? She said to tell her, some people get married, and some people don't. And that's okay.

You know, I wish someone had told me that when I was younger. It's okay.

She went on to talk about how in our society we view being single as 'alone' and it's become a bad word. If you're alone you must be lonely. So don't be single. Fly solo. Be comfortable flying solo, because you can't expect someone to jump in and fix all your problems, make you feel less lonely, deal with your old baggage and emotional issues for you. It will -never- work.

And maybe I will fly solo for the rest of my life. And that's okay. I'm not thrilled with the idea, but I'm okay with it. Especially since I now have something to say to Anabelle next time she asks me to get married or provide her with a baby brother to torture. I mean play with. Yeah, play with. Right.

On a final note, I wonder where my mom is. Today is her birthday. My Aunt posted "Happy Birthday... wherever you are" for her. I'd forgotten today was her birthday. I always forget.
Tags: anabelle, ehren, family, flying, mom, parenting

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